From the Gospel According to Poos-Benson. Chapter 15:9-29
Cowboy Jesus sat by the fire enjoying a quiet evening, when suddenly the disciples came busting into camp.
“Master, you won’t believe it. It’s time we do something! We just can’t sit by and watch these Gentiles destroy our towns!”
“What’s going on this time?” CJ asked.
“It’s those Gentiles! They’ve committed genocide!”
“Genocide?” asked CJ. The master wondered to himself if his ragtag group even knew what the word meant. “So …who did what to whom?”
“The Gentiles up the road! They’ve gone too far this time! They filled goat bladders with camel dung. They lobbed the dirty bombs into the Hebrew camps. When they exploded the whole town passed out from the fumes!”
How gas-tley!” said CJ. “That’s genocide for sure!”
“They need to be defeated!” stamped the disciples raising a cloud of dust.
CJ jumped to his feet and shouted, “You’re right! Those impure rascals must be defeated! We cannot tolerate this type of warfare any longer!”
CJ stuck his knife in his belt, grabbed his double-barrel slingshot and hopped on his trusty steed, Augustine. The disciples were often confused by the donkey’s name. Every time they queried CJ on why he called his Hebrew donkey by a gentile name, the master would smirk, pat Augustine’s flank and say, “I’ll ride this ass far into the future.”
As CJ and Augustine galloped out of camp, the disciples were hot on his heels. They were whooping and shouting. Finally they were taking action! Finally CJ was assuming his role as Messiah. The Gentiles were going to get what they deserved!
Peter was thrilled and spurred his donkey up beside CJ and Augustine. As they loped along, slingshots strapped to their saddle horns, Peter yelled, “It’s about time you see things our way CJ! We’ll follow you anywhere! We’ll conquer the Gentiles for sure!”
CJ shot a look over to Peter. He reined Augustine to a halt. The band of disciples piled up behind them like a camel wreck on the road to Jerusalem.
“Conquer the Gentiles?” CJ shouted. “I thought we were going to defeat them!”
“Well,” Peter stammered, “What’s the difference?”
“Defeating is one thing, conquering them is something else all together. We’ve been defeating each other for centuries, and will be for years to come! They attack us, and then we retaliate. Eye for an eye is the battle cry!” Augustine let out a loud bray and bobbed his head. “But it won’t solve anything and it definitely won’t conquer them.” With that CJ wheeled Augustine on his heels and started back to camp.
Peter and the disciples were as angry as a Pharisee at a pig roast. CJ had once again shrugged off his Messiah-ship. They spurred on their donkeys and encircled CJ forcing him to stop. Peter demanded, “What do you mean we can’t conquer the Gentiles? Of course we can! They’ll fall before us like the walls of Jericho!”
CJ looked at Peter, and then around at the disciples. He nudged Augustine’s flanks, and the donkey pushed through the disciples. CJ thought they looked like a bunch of self righteous Sadducees guarding the temple doors. “You’re right,” said CJ, we could easily defeat the Gentiles with our weapons. But conquer them we never will.”
“What do you mean?” Peter asked. CJ looked over his shoulder, smiled and said, “There’s only one way to conquer anybody and that’s through love.”
As Augustine gently walked along, the disciples sat there dumbfounded as the dirt from the hoofs of Augustine settled on their saddles. Once again, they were left in the master’s dust.